


this is how we end

by dearlyuta



Series: aftermath — heartbreaks [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Exes, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, implied nohyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 10:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearlyuta/pseuds/dearlyuta
Summary: Renjun finds a box of letters that came from Jaemin tucked underneath his bed.





	this is how we end

**Author's Note:**

> finally finished with this omg. this is not yet proofread so please excuse any mistakes you might come across. i hope you enjoy reading!

"You'll be okay, right?" Renjun didn't answer at first — he pursues his lips in a thin line as his fingers shift through the torn papers and keychains, nose crinkling at the amount of dust that have already gathered within the box.

It's been so long.

Renjun lets his eyes flutter shut, a wave of overwhelming amount of sadness crashes within him, drowning his heart and tearing it apart all over again. He can hear the echo of his heartbeat in the empty space of his ribs, a forgotten melody that used to make him swoon and dance carelessly under the hazy bedroom light.

It's been too long.

Jeno hovers around him, crouching down to meet his eyes before his brows knit themselves together to show off his worry and concern for the older boy. He's sporting the same look since the last six months — a frown beginning to slip onto the corners of his lips and his eyes filled with an endless ocean of lingering pity and regret.

Renjun hates that look so, so much.

"Injun?"

"I'll be fine," Renjun finally speaks up after a moment, voice scratchy as he clears his throat, rapidly blinking before his gaze momentarily flickers over to Jeno, "I promise."

There's a long stretch of silence between them and Renjun badly wants to break it apart, his head desperate to hear something, anything at all. His head is buried in the depths of echoing silence for the past months and it's making him suffer more than anything else.

He just wants to hear his voice again.

"Okay," A tired sigh draws out from Jeno's lips and there's that brief moment of hesitation, eyes flickering from the box to Renjun's eyes that are void of any emotion at all, "I get it."

Renjun doesn't know why Jeno still hangs around him — he has always thought that Jeno would go cold towards him, dark eyes narrowed into an intimidating glare or a scoff thrown at him when they pass by each other in the hallway. But even after everything that happened, Jeno is still hovering near him, eyes constantly filled with worry for him and Renjun both hates and appreciates the thought. He doesn't know if he wants Jeno to close himself off from him or if he should continue being such a comforting friend to him.

"Jeno?" Renjun finds his voice a beat later, his gaze rising up to meet Jeno's. The younger boy stays silent, eyes searching but he tilts his head to the side, a quiet invitation for him to continue speaking.

"Is it all right?" Jeno furrows his eyebrows in confusion and Renjun heaves a deep, shaky sigh with his chest still feeling heavy.

"Is it all right that you're here? With me?"

"Why not?" Jeno stares at him with an incredulous look passing through his starry eyes, still feeling all too confused by the words that slipped from Renjun's lips. Renjun groans, rubbing his cheek roughly with his palm before his gaze falls down on the wooden floor.

"You're his best friend," Renjun cringes, a shiver running down his spine before he braves himself to push and meet Jeno's dark eyes, "Doesn't it bother you both that you're still friends with me?"

Jeno lets out a soft and inaudible sigh, shaking his head quickly before he reaches out to grab hold of Renjun's shoulders, trying his best to come off as a comforting and sweet presence for the older boy.

"Listen, we've been friends even before you and Jaemin happened," He pauses, lips pursued into a thin line at his accidental slip of his tongue, "I'm not going to stop being your friend just because both of you... broke up."

Renjun, despite all the lingering and overwhelming sadness residing quietly in his chest, manages to curl one of the corners of his lips upwards to resemble a smile. He doesn't really know what else to say so he nods his head, making sure to hold Jeno's gaze as much as he can. The younger boy stares at him for a heartbeat too long before he leans forward, pulling Renjun in a tight embrace, a hand rubbing his back.

Renjun doesn't remember when's the last time someone had looked straight at him and asked him if he's okay. He always gave the usual answer _I'm fine, I swear_ and none of them batted an eyelash anymore, assuming that he already moved on from the dreadful heartbreak. But the truth is that he's still in the exact same place since the break-up happened and it fills him with an incredible amount of anger and shame because why can't he just let this whole thing go already?

He really thought he did — he thought he moved on already but Renjun is reminded of Jaemin every time he looks at Jeno and _god,_ it hurts so much. It hurts to the point that tears are spilling down his cheeks and his chest feels suffocated. It's as if it's the very first time he heard those heartbreaking words and how his lungs felt crushed as soon as the quiet click of the door resounded in the apartment.

He doesn't know how to let go at all.

"I'm sorry," He forces a laugh to leave his lips, wiping away his tears as his voice shake slightly, "It's been so long, I shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Jeno pulls away and he looks incredibly upset as his thumb brushes against the Renjun's cheek, wiping away the stray tear that fell from his eyes.

"You don't have to force yourself to be okay. It's okay to allow yourself to be sad every now and then," Jeno rises to his feet and out of habit, Renjun does the same too, reddened cheeks still stained with tears, "But please remember to let yourself heal. Let him go when you're ready."

"I don't know if I'll ever be ready." Renjun forces another chuckle, hastily wiping away the tears before he gazes right at his palms with a smile only pulling on the edges of his mouth but never fully forming.

"You'll be ready one day, I promise." Jeno reaches out but pulls away at the last second, sending another pitying glance at Renjun's direction. Renjun pretends he didn't notice his actions, only letting his eyes linger on Jeno's expression before he nods his head.

"I need to go, sorry." Renjun shakes his head with a small smile finally curling on his lips, pocketing his hands.

"It's fine. You're taking Hyuck out today, right?"

"Yeah," Jeno hesitates one last time, his gaze flickering down on the box before he picks it up easily in his arms, glancing briefly at Renjun once again, "You'll be okay, right?"

Renjun takes a deep breath, eyes falling shut for a second. When he allows them to flutter open, Jeno is still staring at him with a saddened and worried look.

"I'll be fine," Renjun musters up a smile at him, a genuine smile this time, "I promise."

-

It's been a while.

Renjun allows his gaze to flicker from all sides of the room, an old wound already starting to split open and spill all the heartache, trailing the hurt and emptiness through his veins. It's suffocating, as if there's something crushing mercilessly on his lungs and it hurts too much to breathe properly.

There's still memories of him in the bedroom — a framed picture of them standing in their high school auditorium while donning on their graduation robes, faces forever meant to freeze in the moment when they were wearing their widest smiles on their lips and laughter already on its way from escaping their mouths, eyes crinkled. Jaemin had his arm tightly winded around Renjun's smaller frame and Renjun had his head placed on his shoulder.

"Come on," Jeno called out, a camera tightly held in his hands whilst he gestured for the two rowdy boys to fix themselves, "I need to take a picture of you two!"

"What for?" Renjun finally stopped jumping around, legs aching from standing and running around to congratulate his classmates and friends. His cheeks were flushed because of the heat, beads of sweat forming on his forehead and Jaemin was quick to notice it — he pulled out a handkerchief to carefully wipe them away, the corner of his lips slightly twitching to form a smile. Renjun blushed, reddened cheeks turning brighter than ever but he doesn't pull away. His smile only got wider and his heart felt like it was going to explode due to the amount of emotions running through his veins and circulating throughout his entire body.

"A memory, of course," Jaemin finally spoke after a moment, an arm already slithering around Renjun's frame to tug him against his side before his lips curled up into that familiar beautiful smile that never fails to steal the older boy's breath away, "I don't want to forget how beautiful you look today."

Renjun usually rolls his eyes in responses like that but for some reason, his heart felt light for the first time in his entire life and he just can't wipe off the smile lingering on his lips. He found himself laughing, eyes crinkling and head falling to rest on Jaemin's shoulder. The sound was so beautiful and contagious that Jaemin ended up bursting into a fit of endless laughter too.

They didn't know that Jeno was staring at them with a sweet, fond smile and he captured the moment that years later, would make Renjun's heart ache in the best and worst way possible.

/

 _Stop,_ Renjun blinks fast, tears already clinging to his lashes and desperately begging to trail down his cheeks, _don't cry._

 _Please don't cry_.

He's exhausted of crying after all.

His gaze continues to shift back and forth before it finally decides to settle in front of him. He feels his breath stuck in his throat again and his heart is racing, wrecking itself against his rib cage as he approaches the foot of the bed, eyes trailed in front.

Post-it notes are hastily stuck above the headboard of their bed, song lyrics scribbled all over the papers — songs that remind them of each other.

"Sometimes, I really don't know what to say," Jaemin whispered to him one night, an arm draped comfortably around Renjun's waist to pull him flushed against his body. Their legs are tangled together with Renjun's face briefly tucked against the crook of Jaemin's neck, a familiar position that never fails to bring their hearts into a fluttering mess.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Jaemin shifted a little so Renjun pulled away with knitted eyebrows, worry evident in his expression. There was an unreadable emotion that passed through Jaemin's dark eyes, slipping by too fast that Renjun didn't have enough time to figure out what it is.

"Sometimes when I look at you, I get this overwhelming amount of love just for you." Jaemin blinked and even through the dark night already settling in and their only source of light was coming from the moonlight that slipped through their curtains, Renjun can still see the pink that dusted itself on his cheeks. He was so breathtakingly beautiful that night — shy and flustered, like a boy that still holds onto the fragility of his innocence.

"I'm so in love with you that words fail me at times," His voice dropped into a soft, comforting murmur and Renjun is drunk at the beautiful sound of it — echoing within the depths of his mind, "So, I think I should start dedicating love songs to you."

"Really?"

"Really," Jaemin leaned in and he buried his face on Renjun's shoulder, arms now firmly winded around his figure. Renjun was absolutely wrecked and breathless, chest filled with an entirety of an emotion simply called love — all of it pouring in just for a boy named Jaemin.

"I should start leaving post-it notes everywhere, every time I listen to a love song and get reminded of you."

"That's cute." Renjun was drifting in and out of reality, head spinning once again as he concentrated on the fuzzy edges of his visions. Darkness had never felt so welcoming before — the exhaustion was deep within his bones already so maybe Jaemin wouldn't mind if he fell asleep now.

"It really is." Those are the last words that left Jaemin's lips, right after Renjun finally fell through a stretch of an infinity's worth of dimensions — a senseless dream made out of bursting galaxies and broken constellations coming back together.

(Renjun had staggered out of bed the next day, the other side of the bed was empty and cold due to the fact that Jaemin woke up early for his 8 A.M. class. His hair was a mess and his mind was still on the verge of deciding between breaking all connections and rewiring his memories.

When he reached the kitchen, there was a post-it note stuck right at the center of his blue mug. His eyebrows knitted themselves together in confusion as he approached the counter, grabbing his mug in a firm grip to look at the scribbled handwriting.

_Forever is a long time but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side._

Renjun found himself smiling so widely, a chuckle leaving his lips.

Jaemin never fails to make his heart flutter, no matter what.)

/

Renjun feels something wet trail down his cheek and he blinks rapidly once again, heart soaring to his throat and beating out of control again. He steals a glance at the mirror and he hurriedly wipes away the stray tear that fell carelessly from his lashes.

_Stupid, you shouldn't be crying like this._

He quietly scolds himself, taking in a deep breath as he braves himself to crush his heart beneath his rib cage. Is it better to be heartless now? Right when he's picking up his fallen pieces and whispering to himself that he needs to move on from the tragedy?

His eyes flicker over to the door and a soft whimper spills from the corner of his lips, the sound bouncing off the walls and echoing too loudly within the room. There's three polaroids taped right at the door, placed perfectly in a way that his gaze would fall on them the moment he eyes the wooden door.

The polaroids are all taken from the same day — a spontaneous trip to the amusement park during one lazy Sunday afternoon.

"Injun!" Jaemin reached over to fix Renjun's brown hair, fingers sifting through the strands carefully while he moves the cat ears headband sitting on top of the smaller boy's head. After a few stolen moments of fixing his hair, he tended to his own, running a hand through the already fading pink strands before perching his own headband on top of them. Renjun huffed softly, cheeks already painted with deep red due to the blazing heat and the embarrassment coursing itself through his veins.

"There, that looks better now. Let's take a picture!"

"I look horrible," Renjun hurriedly covered his face with his palms, shaking his head in protest whilst Jaemin raised the camera, angling it in a way to make them fit in the frame. A click resounded before he felt Jaemin shifting a little, fingers circling around his thin wrist.

"Come on, you look great!" Renjun allowed himself to drop his hands halfway through, eyes crinkled just to show that he's hiding a smile beneath his palms. Jaemin was laughing at him and another quick click resounded, a clumsy finger pressing down on the button.

"Fuck, I accidentally took it." Jaemin pulled away, frowning as he finally gathered the two polaroids in his hands, heaving a deep sigh at the sight of them. Renjun can feel the guilt settling in his stomach when he spotted the saddening expression hanging off on Jaemin's face — he quietly tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, wide eyes blinking at him. Jaemin spared him a glance of confusion before he hesitantly handed over the camera to his hands.

Renjun eagerly held out, angling it so the both of them can fit properly in the frame. Even when he didn't steal a swift look at his boyfriend, he knew that Jaemin was sporting on the sweetest smile as his arms wrapped themselves around his small waist, pulling him against his body. Renjun's cheeks color themselves in the familiar red tint, coughing to hide the embarrassment slipping through his veins once again.

The pad of his finger hovers the button and when he felt Jaemin's chin laying comfortably on his shoulder, pink strands pressed up against the side of his cheek, Renjun found himself lifting the edges of his mouth upwards to form the widest smile.

A click resounded again and Renjun found himself recklessly falling in love all over again when he saw the way Jaemin's eyes light up even brighter than the beaming sunlight above when they finally saw the snapshots.

/

There's the sound of feet softly padding against the floor before a loud bang echoes within the room as Renjun's fist meets the wooden door. His hand won't stop shaking — fingers curled around the worn edges of the polaroids as he hastily rips each one off the door. He can feel every emotion running too fast through his veins, circulating in a hasty pace throughout his entire body that his head spins once again from all the thoughts screaming in his head.

He wants to rip them all apart, shred them all into tiny pieces then let them flutter gently out of the window, out of his torn life. But he can't.

Despite the ache burning within his chest, he laughs. A forced laugh that sounds too much like fingernails dragging themselves down a chalkboard — so painful to the point that it even pierces through Renjun's already wounded heart.

He hates it. He hates how until the end, he's still a coward.

He hates how he can't seem to let go of him, no matter what.

Renjun allows the polaroids to slip out of his grip, letting them slowly drop to the floor with a gentle sway. There's an overwhelming urge to drop next to the photographs, curl into a ball and just let the tears that are welling in his eyes to slide down his cheeks. The hurt is building up too much, taking all the space within his ribs and burying his heart underneath an endless supply of layers of hate and anger.

He's been vulnerable for so long but he can't find it in himself to pick up all the broken pieces of his heart.

His eyes fall over to the floor, gaze focused right by the bed when his line of vision catches sight of something peeking out. He hesitates for a brief moment, his heart rising to his throat before it gently drops back to his chest, nestling itself comfortably beneath his rib cage. He approaches it with carefully measured and slow steps before he bends on his knees, the pads of his fingers grazing along the lid of a box. He can see the blue and white stripes decorating the material at the side, the combination of the soft colors is a bright contrast to the constant black and white that Renjun usually sees in his drawings nowadays.

He blinks once, twice before he wipes away the tears that have welled up his eyes with the back of his hand. There's something shaking deep within his body and he prays to the stars that he won't feel the hurt travel down his veins anymore.

He can't cry. He can't cry now.

Renjun tugs on the box and the lid comes off, the dust that gathered on top is enough to make his lungs feel like they're relentlessly burning. He coughs, his throat turning scratchier than usual but he pushes through, fingers shifting thoroughly. His breath gets stolen away from his lungs when he allows his gaze to focus on the letters that are piled up inside the box — his name followed by a date is written at the back of every envelope. There's no stamp anywhere and though it's completely hopeless to wish to the stars for a miracle now, he allows his heart to get soothed down over the fact that it may be from the boy that he still loves so dearly.

The stars granted his wish — it's both a beautiful blessing and a cruel curse.

The tears run down faster despite him blinking rapidly to chase them away, not giving him enough time to burn all the ache in his chest. His fingers graze along the envelope quietly sitting on top of the pile, his name and the date scrawled right at the center.

 _Huang Renjun._  
_August 08, 2015._

His eyes fall shut, a memory quietly making its way through his mind and playing the scenes perfectly, not even missing a single second. Somewhere deep inside of him, he cherishes this memory endlessly but at the same time, he wants to rip it apart, forget every smile and laugh he shared with him that day.

He lets out a soft, inaudible sigh. A quiet beat of his heart — a deep breath.

_August 08, 2015._

It's the day of their first meeting.

-

_SNAPSHOT : STAR-DRUNK SKIES._

Renjun has always thought that he never truly deserved Jaemin.

Jaemin was achingly beautiful, an overwhelming presence that leaves Renjun absolutely breathless and wanting more, more, and more from him. He had always admired the younger boy — the way his starry eyes light up all the time, the corners of his lips effortlessly tugging upwards to form a smile. His eyes were always trailed on the way Jaemin moves, his airy and light gestures can catch anyone's attention and wonder how is it possible that an angel like him actually exists in this lifetime.

Renjun was content with staying silent, head tilted with a smile always playing on the edges of his mouth as he watches Jaemin throw his head back, melodious and beautiful laughter spilling from his lips. He was content with watching at the sidelines, heart falling on the pavement with every stolen glance and smile directed to each other. He thought he was perfectly fine with how things are.

That is, until Jaemin took the seat right beside him, lips curled up in that ethereal smile of his before introducing himself with a hand stretched out.

Renjun's breath was stuck in his throat, head spinning because _god,_ Jaemin was finally near him and he looked absolutely breathtaking in a way that no one else can ever compare. The sparkles danced within his dark orbs, a stretch of endless constellations shining and pulsating with enough brightness to light up an entire night sky. The corners of his lips were always pulled upwards to resemble a smile, as if he never gets tired of it.

Renjun thought he never deserved to witness that beautiful smile of his.

 _My name is Jaemin_ , he held out his hand, eyes crinkling slightly as he flashed another friendly grin at his direction, _and yours is?_

Sometimes, Renjun wished he never knew Jaemin's name.

Sometimes, he wished he never allowed himself to pay attention to that boy and just completely disregarded his existence. Just completely focus on his hands that are constantly in pain and aching because of painting.

Sometimes, he wished he never let him knew his name.

But regret is bittersweet, a familiar yet disheartening flavor dancing on the tip of his tongue. A taste that he can never forget, burned right at the back of his mind and engraved at the very corners of all sides.

 _Renjun_ , he breathed out after a moment, cheeks flushed and a stutter lying on his lips but never falling, _My name is Renjun._

-

"What's that?" Those are the first words that slip by Mark's lips the moment he stepped inside Renjun's apartment and spotted the little box sitting by the coffee table. Renjun didn't reply at first — only taking the plastic bag filled with cans of alcohol from his hands and dropping it by the couch.

"You know," Mark makes his way over to the couch while Renjun takes his respective place right beside him, hand slipping inside the plastic bag to circle his fingers around the cold beverage, only to get his hand slapped away by the older boy, "you're not yet allowed to drink this."

He waves the can that Renjun tried to grab a moment ago and that seemingly earns him an annoyed look from the younger boy, a frown pulling on the edges of his lips almost effortlessly as he gazes up front instead. His arms are crossed over his chest as a sigh leaves his lips when he picks up the sound of Mark cracking open the can, taking a quick sip of the beverage. Renjun unknowingly craves for the taste but he knows that he'll get scolded if he makes an attempt to even steal one under Mark's watchful gaze.

"What's that?" Mark repeats his question from before but his voice is softer, gentler as he lets Renjun lay his head down on his lap. He knows that the younger boy is constantly exhausted and even when he tries to lie his way out of the suspicious glances from his friends, everyone knows that it's because the break-up has hit him harder than ever.

"Letters from him," The words are drawn out as a sigh, his voice almost sounding like a muffled tone as he presses his cheek against Mark's thigh, "I accidentally found the box under the bed."

"Oh." Mark doesn't know what to say. Should he push through? Ask if he has already read every letters that's quietly and carefully nestled within the package?

He doesn't want Renjun to suffer anymore, seeing how the other boy has went through the last six months like a lifeless doll, eyes flickering back and forth and a smile barely gracing his lips. It would take a miracle to even pull out a laugh from his lips.

But he wants Renjun to face this. Have a proper closure from all the hurt that he spent so much time burying down his chest, hoping that one day, it would just dissipate and stop crushing his lungs every time he breathes.

"I want to read them but," Renjun blinks, the tears coming back again as he gazes down at his palms whilst blinking fast, "I'm scared of what I'll find there."

Mark heaves a sigh before he gently gestures Renjun to get up from his lap. The younger boy pulls himself up into a sitting position, a confused frown playing on the edges of his mouth when Mark slips his hand inside the plastic bag to retrieve a can of alcohol, throwing it at Renjun's direction. He barely got it — the can almost slipping from his fingers due to his wet and slippery the container is.

"There," Mark speaks up, flashing a reassuring smile at him as he takes a sip from his can with a delightful hum escaping his lips, "Maybe it'll be easier to read them when you're drunk."

"That's dumb," Renjun elicits a half-hearted chuckle, marveling over the label wrapped around the can, "I thought I can't drink?"

"Yeah, but it's only a few months before your birthday." Renjun rolls his eyes, lips twitching upwards into an almost unfamiliar curve of a smile before the edges drop back down into a frown once again.

"Also, you won't be able to start reading this if you don't lose yourself a little." The older boy's voice drops into a whisper, gaze flickering briefly to the box before his eyes settle on Renjun's slightly wavering expression — his lips quivering and his eyes rapidly blinking so the tears won't roll down his cheeks.

"I can't," The younger boy shakes his head swiftly, chest constricting in such a painful way that it makes him breathless. Mark stares at him, lips pursued but he never says or does anything — afraid that he might push Renjun in a wrong direction and make him burst all over again.

"I can't drink," Renjun continues speaking, fingers tightening around the can for a moment, "I made a promise with Jeno, Hyuck, and Jaemin that we'll—"

 _We'll take our first drink together_ _next year._

He stops himself, his ribs collapsing on top of his shaking heart, the bones piercing through. It hurts to breathe all over again but Renjun forces himself anyway, head spinning despite not having ingested any alcohol yet. He stares down at the can and there's another wave of sadness that crashes in his lungs, drowning him in a senseless stretch of memories.

It's a senseless promise that he made with the three of them, when they were still drunk on the sound of laughter leaving their lips and the warm sunlight shining down on them. Jaemin was the one who brought it up, merely a joke at first but with one glance exchanged among the four of them, they just leaned over and hooked their pinkies like they were still little kids.

But does that promise still stand, even when Jeno and Hyuck are busy with each other and Jaemin has already broken his heart in half?

"You know what? You're right." He musters up a smile at Mark, grabbing hold of the box and places it right in between them before he cracks open the can with shaking fingers. The smell is overwhelming and intoxicating that he almost drops it but his hold tightens around the metal knowingly, bringing the beverage to his lips as he quietly turns away and takes a tentative sip.

There's a burn right at his lungs and throat, a cough falling from his lips as he pounds his chest with his fist, cheeks already flushed. The burn sets his heart on the verge of explosion, the only source of life traveling through his veins effortlessly.

He steals a glance at the box before he gazes at Mark. The older boy only stares back at him before he allows a smile to grace his lips, quietly nudging the letters to Renjun's side.

There's a brief moment of hesitation — an echoing heartbeat and a deep breath.

Renjun's fingers grip the first envelope, tearing it open carelessly and clumsily before he pulls the letter out, unfolding it and setting it on his lap with shaky fingers.

His head is spinning but still, he braves himself to focus. To focus on everything that's hurting. He needs to feel every emotion right now and let them explode rather than letting them simmer and burn within his veins for months and years.

He can do this.

_Dear Renjun._

-

His head is pounding, spinning his thoughts into a senseless stretch of blurry memories and his throat feels unknowingly dry. He gets up, accidentally knocking off a few cans to the ground, the sound of the metal clattering down on the floor brings another wave of headache, forcing himself to lay down on the couch. He tries to make sense of the time at least — the lights are turned off and based on the way the bright moonlight slipping through the curtains of the living room's window, it must be almost midnight.

There's a blanket comfortably wrapped around his figure and he allows his vision to adjust to the darkness, inclining his head to steal a glance at the other chair. Mark is fast asleep, curled up with his own blanket carelessly thrown around his body, as if he didn't really care to cover himself up from the cold.

Renjun stares at the cans for a moment before he slowly rises from the couch, careful not to make any unnecessary movements that might spark a reaction from Mark. His back presses against the couch and the headache is washing over him too hard, drowning him in a temporary wave of pain as he blindly reaches out for anything, _anything_ at all.

His hand curls around a ball of paper before he gets up from the couch, throat going even drier than usual. He stumbles over to the kitchen, not bothering to switch on the light and fetches himself a glass of water, downing it in one go before he places himself near the kitchen window, hoping that the moon can provide enough light for him to read through the words.

He gently smoothens out the creases of the paper, letting his fingers brush against the material before he leans close, elbows pressing down the counter. His heart stops at his throat, rendering himself speechless as his tired eyes slowly go through every word, stringing them together into heartfelt sentences.

He feels like his breath is taken away all over again, just like the first time he met Jaemin.

_Dear Renjun,_

_It feels weird that I'm writing this now, especially since we just parted ways a moment ago. I'm not sure if you knew my name before I introduced myself to you this morning but I certainly knew yours. It was such a delight to see the way your eyes lit up when I took the seat beside you and I wished you knew how lovely you look when you're smiling._

_I know we haven't talked before but I always see you painting in the art room. I've always imagined myself walking up there and introducing myself but I kept chickening out because first, you looked so peaceful whenever you paint and I didn't want to bother you. Second, I didn't want to scare you away, you know?_

_I was really scared of approaching you this morning because I thought you were going to ignore me but when you smiled so brightly at me and introduced yourself, I really felt like my heart swooned at the sound of your voice. You're adorable and charming and god, I can't wait to know more about you._

_I really do hope you'll remember my name the next time we meet,_ _Renjun!_

_\- Jaemin._

Renjun tries to blink away his tears but they still rolled down his cheeks, his chest constricting to the point that he's breathless all over again. He carefully folds the paper back, trying desperately to smoothen out the creases before his hands start shaking again as his grip on the paper tightens.

He pretends that it doesn't hurt at all.

-

The letters are too many, too many that Renjun often curls up in his bed, crying his eyes out as the papers and envelopes get stained with tears. It took a while — a lot of pushing away his friends and mumbling _I'm fine_ over and over again until they finally left him alone — before he took a deep breath, chest shaking as he pushes the lid away from the box.

There are so many letters but it seems that Jaemin marked all the special occasions by putting them in separate envelopes, the date and his name written at the back in messy handwriting. All the other letters are made of torn notebook pages, post-it notes, and scratch papers, a brief declaration of his love for Renjun. Mostly a simple _I love you_ and _I miss you_ but still, they were enough to make Renjun burst into tears all over again.

He hates this — he hates how his chest is squeezing just like the first time when Jaemin quietly pulled him down, eyes brimming with tears yet at the same time, they were slowly getting drained of any heartfelt emotions for the older boy. He knew at that point what's going to happen but still, he feels utterly pathetic when he went down on his knees, begging for Jaemin to _stay, please stay._

Jaemin only crouched down to meet his gaze, the only emotion evident in his eyes is pity as his hand grazed along his cheek. Renjun can still remember how gentle and soft Jaemin was that night, as if he wasn't about to break his heart for another time, for the rest of eternity.

 _I'm sorry_ , Jaemin whispered to him and it's the first time since that night when he allowed himself to slip into a vulnerable state, voice breaking as the words spill from his lips, _I'm so sorry, Injun._

Renjun had never wanted to hate someone so bad. He yearned to feel that hate burning in his chest, clawing at his ribs and breaking his heart.

But he never felt it. Not even when Jaemin pressed a fleeting kiss on his forehead, pulling away too fast that Renjun's breath was stolen away so effortlessly by a simple, sweet gesture. Not even when Jaemin grabbed his bags, back turned on him before quietly leaving the apartment with his head bowed down and shoulders shaking, the only indication that he's sobbing too.

Not even when the click of the door resonated within the apartment and Renjun realized that Jaemin never turned back, not even once, to spare him a sorrowful and regretful glance.

He has always thought that it was his fault. All his fault for making Jaemin leave. All his fault for being so harsh and mean at times that Jaemin actually flinches and backs away too fast, fear running through his eyes. All his fault for making Jaemin lose interest over time, the daily _I love you_ and forehead kisses have become more of a chore to do and say.

All his fault for breaking Jaemin's heart first before Jaemin decided to recklessly ruin his too.

But as Renjun shifts through the letters, the thoughts swirl endlessly in his head, collapsing on top of one another until they've become a blur. He wondered if everything was his fault or if fate was just that cruel to let Jaemin pull him in first and kiss away all of his worries before dropping him all too hastily that Renjun didn't have the time to figure it out.

He wonders if Jaemin left that night, not because of him but because he just didn't want to stay anymore.

-

The second letter lays unopened, still sealed within the envelope. Renjun would open it at any given chance but right now, he can't. His eyes are so swollen lately and he can't get enough rest, to the point that he nearly stumbled on his way to his locker and fell asleep right on the floor. He's both exhausted and restless, mind constantly running from thought to thought about what's really happening between him and Jaemin.

"You okay?" Donghyuck's voice is gentle and Renjun is momentarily grateful for it. He shakes his head slowly, forehead resting against the cool metal of his locker while his friend lays a comforting hand down his back, rubbing it in a soothing manner.

"Why don't you get some rest? You look like you're really going to collapse." Donghyuck keeps a hand down his back before choosing to wrap his arms tightly around his tinier figure, pulling Renjun close to his side protectively. He finds Donghyuck warm and so cozy that he's tempted to bury his face on the other boy's shoulder and fall asleep in a senseless dream. But he holds himself back, swollen eyes blinking back at his friend before he shakes his head with a shaky sigh leaving his lips.

"I can't," He shuts his locker and as if out of habit, Donghyuck follows him as they walk down the hallway, the noises of the other students talking and rushing to get to class prove to be an effective distraction from his thoughts.

"Is it because of the letters?" Upon hearing the words slip past Donghyuck's lips, Renjun stiffens up visibly, throat going dry and cheeks flushed. He steals a look at the younger boy and he finds him frowning, a saddened expression crossing his features.

"Mark told me about them. He said they were in a box and they came from," Donghyuck clears his throat and uncomfortably shifts from one foot to another before meeting Renjun's gaze, "Jaemin."

"Yeah." Renjun mutters, his gaze almost dropping to the floor, if it wasn't for the loud laughter that echoes in the hallway, tugging on Renjun's heartstrings. His eyes focus themselves in front and suddenly, his knees are weak all over again and his chest feels like it's constricting once more, sending waves of pain through his veins.

Jaemin and Jeno are walking towards them, laughing carelessly and throwing jokes at each other.

_It's been so long._

Renjun swallows thickly, an ache burning within his chest once more despite how it dissipated months ago. He didn't realize how much he missed the younger boy until he sees him just a few feet away, head thrown back with another laugh slipping past his lips.

He looks so happy — so awfully happy that Renjun hates him for a moment. It's a sudden burn and his ribs break, collapsing on top his lungs and rendering him speechless and breathless. He knows he should be happy for Jaemin, that he isn't suffering just like him but he's begging for a sign. Any sign that Jaemin still has the same feelings for him.

"Jun?" Jeno is the one who breaks his trail of thoughts, snapping him back to reality. He blinks once, twice and suddenly, the shame over hating Jaemin for being happy without him crashes down on him. He can't believe he actually had the capability to hate Jaemin without a second thought — he feels awful.

Jaemin has lost any traces of his laughter and smile, eyes immediately dropping to the ground to avoid Renjun's unwavering gaze on him. It's been such a long time since they had a proper look at each other — it used to be just a stolen glance at the hallway, all too fast that both of them don't have any time to figure out if the other person is currently happy.

"I, uh," Jeno casts them both a nervous gaze and Donghyuck shakes his head quickly, his hand down at Renjun's back to quietly remind him that he's here.

"Injun, let's go." Donghyuck pulls him along, completely ignoring the other two boys and Renjun doesn't react, letting his friend pull him away. It's only when they've arrived at the end of the hallway did Renjun allow himself to tear up all over again. Donghyuck firmly wraps his arms around Renjun, letting him cry on his shoulder as he rubs his back in a soothing manner, running a hand through his strands.

Renjun forces himself to pretend that it doesn't hurt anymore when Jaemin never threw him another glance.

-

He lays on the bed, eyes casted at the dull white ceiling. He feels empty, completely numb to the bones but he stills feels the tiny splinter in his lungs, chest shaking every time he takes a deep breath. He hates the feeling but he doesn't know how to chase it away.

His fingers brush against the envelope — it's already torn open a moment ago but the letter still remains inside, carefully folded and still waiting to be read. The only source of light in the room is the lamp he keeps on the bed stand. He can't really fall asleep when there's any sort of light — it brings him a wave of annoying headaches every time there's a light burning within the room.

It's those moments when he craves to be in the dark.

But Jaemin was afraid, quietly insisting that they keep a lamp. The light wasn't too bright but it still bothered Renjun relentlessly, eyes always squinting right at it with a frown tugging on the edges of his lips. But he can't find it in himself to complain about it when Jaemin is always fast asleep in his arms, face buried right at the crook of his neck and body comfortably curled up against his.

He misses that feeling — Jaemin's soft, fleeting touches and his warm embrace — so much.

He gathers every amount of courage that suddenly exploded within his bones, fingers taking out the letter as smoothly and quietly as possibly. He grabs hold of the envelope, turning it around to steal a glance at the words.

 _Huang_ _Renjun._  
_December 06, 2015._

He frowns visibly, nose crinkling before his eyebrows furrow in confusion. He doesn't recognize the date — it wasn't their anniversary or one of those big events like their high school graduation or their first night out when summer hits them right before university starts.

The date is almost five months right after he started talking to Jaemin. He racks his head for an idea — any idea at all — but he comes up empty-handed and a frown still tugging on his mouth.

His fingers shakily flip the letter open and his heart drops as the words come into view, stringing them once again in coherent sentences, shredding his heart into pieces and carefully piecing them back together in such an imperfect yet wonderful manner.

_Dear Injun,_

_Fuck, I just got home and my hands are still shaking. I'm so sorry if you can't read my messy handwriting but it's not like you'll read any of these words, right?_

_I know I should have texted you that I got home safely but this is the first thing I had to do the moment I got home. I'm just so... happy? So damn happy. You make me so elated, like my chest is going to explode because of all the feelings I have for you._

_I know that I'm nowhere near poetic as you are. You might even laugh at me because I can't express my feelings well as of the moment but I can't find any other way to say this._

_I like you._

_I like you so much._

_It hit me when I walked you home. How you wouldn't let go of my hand and you kept blushing whenever I compliment you. How you just willingly stay by my side all the time and how you kept smiling at me, as if I'm the best thing that ever happened to you._

_When you hugged me and told me to get home safely, the moment you shut the door, I feel like my heart went along with you. You took my heart so effortlessly like that and the thing is? I don't mind it at all._

_You have my heart, Injunnie. You have every little piece of it and I hope you'll keep it safe in your hands._

_I like you so much._

_I wish I can tell you soon about how I feel._

_\- Jaemin._

As the letter falls from his fingertips slowly, heart racing beneath his rib cage and head spinning, one thought stands out among the rest.

It's getting harder and harder for him to pretend that everything doesn't hurt right now.

-

_SNAPSHOT : FALLING SNOW._

"I'm sorry," Renjun voiced out, wrapping his jacket tighter around his figure before he spared an apologetic gaze at Jaemin, "It must be troublesome for you to walk me home in a weather like this."

Jaemin elicited a bright, tinkling laugh that Renjun was momentarily enticed by the sound of it, heart swooning almost immediately. He quietly scolded his heart for being too obvious — he didn't want Jaemin to hear the way his heart was beating wildly against his rib cage. Their fingers intertwined and Renjun felt the happiness bubbling in his chest, running smoothly through his veins at the feeling of it.

"You know that I don't mind walking you home. It's always fun for us to do this." Renjun can't help but blush at his words, huffing as he pulled on his scarf to hide the scarlet red blooming on his cheeks. Jaemin didn't miss the sight of his blush, cooing softly and even attempting to pinch his cheek, only to get his hand slapped away by the older boy.

"You're so cute."

"Am not." Renjun mumbled, voice a little muffled as the scarf pressed against his lips, his words falling a little incoherent. Jaemin snickered, squeezing his fingers in a gentle manner.

"You are," The breath got stolen away from his lungs when he felt Jaemin pulling him close, hot breath grazing his forehead before he leaned over to drop a swift kiss on it, tugging away with a sincere smile that reaches his eyes, "You really are."

Renjun found himself smiling widely at him, chest feeling a little lighter. He just wished Jaemin knew how much he truly liked him.

-

The third letter is a little easier to open. The envelope lays on the desk, right beside his sketchbook that's swirled with drawings. He's supposed to be working on his project but his mind keeps drifting back to the boy who still owns his heart and the little box of letters safely placed underneath his bed.

He greedily indulges himself in another letter, effortlessly ripping the envelope apart in clumsy fingers before he takes another glance at the name and date scrawled on the back.

 _Huang_ ___Renjun.___  
_March 25, 2016._

He knows that date by heart — if he's being honest, he remembers it more than his birthday. The sight of the months and the numbers send his heart into a wreckage, piercing itself with the shattered bones of his rib cage. He's shaking again but he fails to find the reason why, choosing to chase away all doubts he has before the letter gets pulled out. He lays the paper on the desk tentatively, afraid that if he loses control, he might choose to carelessly rip it into tiny, unreadable pieces.

He takes a deep breath — a quiet voice echoing in his head to count down from five to one, the numbers drawing out slowly and in time.

_Five._

Stillness.

_Four._

Darkness.

_Three._

Burning.

_Two._

Numbness.

_One._

Emptiness.

When he reaches one, he allows his fingers to flip the letter open.

It's only a few words but still, Renjun ends up sobbing, body shaking as the tears stain the sheet. The words blur a little but he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all.

_Dear Injun,_

_God, this must be the best day of my life. I'm so grateful right now and I've been crying the moment you said yes to me._

_You don't know how happy you made me when you hugged me and kissed me breathless. I'm so lucky that the boy who owns the stars and the moon likes me back._

_I'm so lucky to have you, Injun._

_I really am._

_I promise I'll make you happy, no matter what happens. Your happiness means the entire world to me._

_I hope you'll never regret your decision, my star._

_\- Jaemin._

Even when the night has faded into a stretched out darkness looming over him, Renjun can't find it in himself to turn off the lamp peacefully glowing in his dark room.

He doesn't want to forget it.

He doesn't want to forget that there was once a time in his life when Jaemin stared at him and thought that he's the one who never fails to light up the world.

He wishes that Jaemin still looked at him like that.

-

_SNAPSHOT : OCEAN WAVES._

Renjun comfortably snuggled close to Jaemin, pressing his cheek against his chest while the younger boy brushed his fingers through his hair, hoping to put him in a calming and soothing state. The blanket was soft under their weight and the sand was cold to touch, sending a shiver down Renjun's spine.

Jaemin stopped slipping his hand through his strands, allowing to fall at the side to intertwine their fingers in a loose grip.

"You won't ever regret saying yes to me, right?" It's the first time that Renjun heard a twinge of nervousness and uncertainty buried deep within his voice. He was surprised — he never expected that Jaemin would be capable to feel any sort of doubt running through his veins. He sounded so sure, so confident that Renjun admired him for being able to let his confession roll off his tongue so effortlessly.

But upon seeing him like this, afraid and nervous, he's struck breathless at the sight of it. He didn't know it was possible to love him even more until he saw Jaemin's vulnerable state. He wanted to wrap him up in a comforting embrace and kiss his worries away.

And that's exactly what he did.

His lips tentatively pressed themselves against Jaemin's, hand curled around his collar to pull him as close as possible. If he listened so closely that night, he would have heard the way their heartbeats fell in sync — fast-paced and excited.

It took a moment before Jaemin finally allowed himself go, responding easily to the kiss in slow movements before it started to become more desperate, as if they're yearning for more and more. Renjun's heart leaped out of his chest when he felt Jaemin's lips curving upwards into a smile with his hand gently squeezing the older boy's fingers in his hold.

When they pulled away, their cheeks were flushed and they can't seem to erase the smiles lingering on the edges of their lips. Renjun reached up to steal a kiss before hiding his face on his chest, hiding the smile that made its way on his mouth.

"I won't."

"Hm?"

Jaemin's fingers slipped back through his hair to comb through the strands soothingly again and Renjun's gaze flickered up, meeting his eyes willingly. A shaky sigh left his lips before he mustered up a bright smile, eyes twinkling.

"I won't regret saying yes to you."

-

"Hey," Renjun, despite the heaviness in his chest, bursts into a fit of laughter the moment he sets his gaze on Chenle and Jisung approaching him outside of the university gates, the excitement present on their faces.

"Renjun ge!" Chenle quite literally throws himself in Renjun's outstretched arms, making them stumble and fall on the sidewalk with a strained yelp leaving their lips. Renjun playfully hits Chenle at the side, whining about how the younger boy is so heavy already before he takes Jisung's outstretched hand, letting the other boy pull him up to his feet.

"I missed you guys." Renjun, for the first time in a while, allows a smile to linger on his lips as he tries to wrap his arms around the two younger boys, making a failed attempt to give them a squeeze. Both of them willingly wrap him up in a tight embrace before pulling away, gluing themselves right at his sides.

"You're suddenly so nice to us," Jisung speaks up, wrapping an arm around Renjun's shoulder in a teasing manner while Chenle clings to the older boy's waist instead, "You want us to do your homework, don't you?"

"Shut up, I wasn't that mean to you guys before."

"Hey, stop lying! You always bullied the two of us." Renjun rolls his eyes and playfully lets out a huff, pretending to be annoyed.

"Okay, since I'm so mean, I guess I wouldn't treat you guys anymore."

"No, hyung! We're sorry, please treat us. We're broke high schoolers." Renjun breaks into a fit of loud laughter at the sight of Jisung begging, letting the two boys drag him along to a nearby café. He struggles to match the pace of their steps, seeing how the two are taller than him and thus, making it easier for them to take long strides, as compared to Renjun.

The café feels cozy, the feeling of comfort and familiarity wraps him up the second he steps past the glass doors. It's the first time after such a long while since he allowed himself to relax and lay back to watch everything unfold so he lets the two pick out their seats before eagerly discussing what they're going to order.

Renjun is about to approach the counter, head still spinning from the lack of sleep he had last night and the thought of all the homeworks and lessons he still has to catch up on. If he wasn't paying attention, he wouldn't have seen him.

But he did.

Renjun can feel his world slow down into a stop, his heart dropping to his feet the moment his line of vision settles on the brown-haired boy sitting at a table just nearby. His head is bend down, hiding his features with his shoulders shaking slightly as he catches his breath before he hastily wipes away the tears running down his cheeks.

Renjun should have left. He should have turned on his heel and ignored him completely. He should have just grabbed Chenle and Jisung and pulled them out, convinced them to go to another café, somewhere that Jaemin doesn't frequent.

So, so many possibilities laid out — so many reactions linked to every scene that plays in his head. But he can't leave.

He just can't.

He walks over the counter, voice dropping into a whisper as he recites his order to the barista. He pays for it hurriedly, shaking fingers circling around the beverage before his feet quietly pulls him along to the direction of the table. He can feel Chenle and Jisung staring at him in confusion and honestly, he doesn't know why he's doing this.

Maybe it's because it's been so long since he last saw Jaemin so broken like this.

"Here," He carefully sets the coffee on the table, right next to Jaemin's textbooks. The pink-haired male raises his gaze almost immediately, clearly surprised at the sight of Renjun right before him.

Renjun could have stared at him and told him everything that's heavily hanging in his chest. Tell him all the pain that's constantly running through his veins the moment Jaemin walked out. Tell him how he often cries himself to sleep because he misses Jaemin so, so much, reaching the point that there's a burning ache in his chest all the time.

Tell him that he found the letters.

Tell him that he still feels the same after everything that happened.

But he didn't.

"Thank you," Jaemin's voice is scratchy and broken, fingers wrapping around the beverage and Renjun nods once to acknowledge him before quietly turning on his heel, leaving him behind.

Renjun realizes that it doesn't hurt that much anymore when Jaemin never asked him to stay.

-

The fourth letter is opened during another sleepless night. He's spending too many nights curled up in the couch, tired eyes staring at the television and watching the minutes tick by slowly on the wall clock nearby.

He thought he was over Jaemin when he approached him in the café but now, the hurt is crashing within his chest once again, burning his lungs and stealing his breath away mercilessly with every desperate need to take in a deep breath. He feels pathetic — he just wants to move on already. It hurts too much to stay in the same place for so many months.

His phone rings and his hand automatically starts searching under the couch's pillows, a little grateful to the stars that there's a distraction, a little delay to what he needs to do. Jeno's name lights up on his phone and he knits his eyebrows in confusion, answering the call in a heartbeat.

"Hey, what's up?" There's a brief moment of silence before Jeno answers, voice weary and filled with exhaustion.

"Jun," Jeno swallows thickly and Renjun can feel his heartbeat rising, settling into a fast-paced beat that leaves him breathless, "Are you okay?"

A frown curls on the edges of his mouth, taken aback by the sound of his words. He doesn't know why Jeno suddenly thought of asking him that in the middle of the night. He hesitates — should he say no? Tell him all about the letters that his best friend wrote for him? Tell him how he still seems to be in the same place he was six months ago, never moving at all?

He must have taken too long to answer because Jeno sharply speaks again, tone still weary just like always.

"You found the letters?"

He pursues his lips in a straight line, never responding. He's afraid that he might unknowingly burst into tears again and feel that searing pain slam in his chest if he says anything at all.

But Jeno seems to hear his answer all the same.

"Jun," Jeno's voice is soft, gentle and filled with pity. As always. Renjun hates the sound of it, even if he has always found Jeno's voice to be calming and soothing since the first time they met.

"Don't."

"Injun,"

"Stop." There's a certain firmness in Renjun's tone, his strong voice on the verge of breaking as he tries to soothe down his aching heart beating beneath his ribs. A stretch of silence echoes in the phone call and Renjun almost feels bad for snapping like that. Jeno is just looking out for him — he's just trying to help.

"I'm sorry." Jeno whispers after a beat too long and Renjun's teeth catches on his bottom lip, holding back the sob that's threatening to fall from his lips.

"Me too," He takes a deep breath, exhaling a shaky sigh afterwards, "I'm sorry."

"Do you want me to come over? Should I bring Hyuck and Mark hyung along?" Renjun lets a bitter smile to grace his lips, shaking his head even if the other boy can't see him. He doesn't want anyone to witness him like this — a crying mess at one thirty in the morning.

"It's fine," His gaze falls on the letter quietly sitting on the coffee table, patiently waiting to be read, 'I still have something to do."

It's another short stretch of silence before Jeno finally gives in, mumbling an _okay, don't stay up too late_ before his words abruptly end as Renjun drops the call. His phone gets tossed aside carelessly before he reaches over to grab hold of the envelope, gently turning it over in careful and calculated movements. His eyes flicker from word to word, number to number, stringing them into something that he hopefully remembers.

 _Huang Renjun._  
_August 24, 2016._

Despite all the sadness weighing in his chest, he finds the corners of his lips curving upwards to form a smile. He knows that date all too well — he remembered asking Jaemin before, voice shaking and all that, if he wants to move in with him to this very same apartment he's currently residing in. He expected the other to reject the ridiculous idea, laugh at him for even thinking of saying such thing.

But Jaemin only smiled widely, the stars in his eyes burning so awfully bright that Renjun was rendered speechless at the sight of it. He's swept off his feet when Jaemin pulled him in a tight embrace, kissing him breathlessly before saying _yes, I'd love that._

The memory is beautiful, achingly beautiful that Renjun finds himself staring at the ceiling for a moment, stringing each scene into a memory that steals his breath away. He takes a deep breath, head swirling with so many thoughts as he pulls out the letter from the envelope, smoothening out the creases carefully. He flips it open afterwards, eyes slowly taking in each and every word, another painful ache burning in his chest.

_Dear Injun,_

_It took a while before I managed to bring you to the bed since you fell asleep in my arms on the couch a while ago. You looked so, so peaceful that I didn't want to disturb you at all._

_I must be some lovesick idiot for you but I swear, when your eyes lit up the moment you mentioned to me about moving in together, I couldn't say no to you at all. But I really don't have regrets saying yes to you — being with you feels like I'm finally at home._

_You're my home, Injun. Everything about you brings me a sense of relief and happiness. I can't imagine myself without you._

_I know I'll get used to waking up next to you every morning. I know I'll get used to making breakfast for us both before we rush to our first classes for the day. I know I'll get used to falling asleep in your arms the moment we fall next to each other on the bed late at night._

_But the thing is, I'm looking forward to all of that. I'm looking forward to waking up next to you and seeing your entire face light up the moment we see each other. I'm looking forward to the way you endlessly compliment my cooking and how we'll exchange kisses before we head to class. I'm looking forward to staring at your starry eyes before I fall sound asleep in your arms._

_I don't mind doing all of that with you._

_Because at the end of the day, you're the one I look forward to seeing. You're the one I want to come back home to._

_You're my home and you always will be, Injun. I promise._

_I love you._

_\- Jaemin._

There's that all too familiar ache in his chest — burning relentlessly and wrecking his heart beneath his rib cage. The tears leave stains on the paper but Renjun can't find it in himself to care.

All he's wishing now is that Jaemin will find his way back home, back to his arms again.

-

"You look awful," Donghyuck bites down on his tongue, eyes flickering hesitantly from the doorway to Renjun's sullen state, carefully wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Mark frowns right beside him, the worry evident on his features as he gently grabs Renjun's hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

Renjun can't even find the energy to smile at them, trick them into thinking that he's fine.

"I know," His eyes flicker from the amount of students in the room, swallowing thickly as their laughter echoes against the walls and trapping him in a senseless blur of the reality happening before him, "but I can't skip again. Unless I want to fail."

He gently removes his hand from Mark's hold, trying his very best to curve his lips into a convincing and genuine smile before his fingers start blindly grazing along his backpack. He halts when the pads of his fingers brush against the zipper, pulling his bag half-open before they slip inside. The fifth envelope lays nestled safely in between his textbooks, a quiet reminder of what still lies ahead.

The last letter.

Renjun lets his eyes flutter shut, a shaky sigh making its way past his lips in an inaudible manner.

The last letter before he decides to bury all the hurt and let it trickle slowly down his veins so his heart would stop clenching so painfully all too often. He think he's ready to let this all go.

He thinks he's ready to finally let Jaemin go.

-

The cold sand is a familiar feeling in between his toes, the ocean air fills his lungs in a different and refreshing kind of relief. He can almost picture himself running down the sand, footsteps left behind with every movement as he throws himself in the freezing embrace of the ocean.

But tonight, he wants to just sit back and admire the blanket of stars dotting the night sky, count all the broken constellations trailing up in the darkness.

All his worries start to dissipate the moment his back lands on the stretch of sand, the night breeze is awfully cold yet it brings a wave of endless relief through his bones and veins. His head is still spinning as always but all his thoughts are starting to disintegrate, burning themselves in the stars above.

The envelope lays peacefully in his hands, urging him to rip it open and read every word written out on the paper. He's tempted to ruin everything — it's the last time after all — but still, he ends up treating the envelope with utmost care.

He turns it around, eyes briefly flickering down on the words and number scrawled out messily at the back. Compared to all the other envelopes, the handwriting looks hasty and messy — as if Jaemin was in a rush to write everything.

_Maybe he just can't wait to leave me._

The thought momentarily passes through his head but he's quick enough to chase it away, heaving a deep, shaky breath as his fingers brush along the slowly fading ink.

 _Huang Renjun._  
_May 11, 2018._

 _It took that long?_ Renjun feels a frown of confusion curl on the corners of his lips. _It took that long for him to write another letter?_

If Renjun is being honest, the date written on the back is a little too painful to stare at. The date was a week right after Jaemin decided to recklessly break his heart in half, a week right after he quietly left Renjun in the middle of the night.

Jeno and Donghyuck were the ones who graciously offered to pick up Jaemin's things so he doesn't have to see the younger boy and possibly land a strike on his already broken heart. He was eternally grateful for the two boys for being so sweet, so worried over him even when he didn't really cry that much during that week.

But he did get rendered speechless one afternoon when Jaemin was the one who knocked on the front door, eyes downcast and shoulders slumped to display his sadness. He didn't say anything — only stepping aside while Jaemin weakly shot him a failed attempt of a smile, moving to grab the last box in the bedroom.

Their eyes met when Jaemin came out a moment later and Renjun almost begged all over again. Begged him to _stay, stay a little bit more, please._

But he never did.

Jaemin only dropped the box outside of the apartment, gently wrapping his fingers around Renjun's thin wrist before pulling him in his arms, securely wrapping him in a breathtaking embrace. Renjun burst into tears all over again, muffling his cries on his shoulder and Jaemin only held him tighter, brushing his lips against his forehead. Just a light kiss, enough to make Renjun's heart flutter even a little.

But certainly not enough to give hope to Renjun's aching heart.

 _I'm sorry,_ Jaemin only repeatedly said, eyes filled with an endless sea of sadness and regret as he left Renjun once more that day, mercilessly breaking his heart all over again.

Renjun blinks fast, the tears already laying on his lashes. He hurriedly wipes them away with the back of his hand before he takes another deep breath, tugging the letter out with a soft whimper. Even before he can properly unfold the letter and smoothen out the creases as always, he can already feel the bumps of the letters written on the page. It's as if Jaemin was really in a hurry, the pen digging too hard on the paper.

Renjun momentarily wonders why Jaemin would be in a rush to do this — he had a whole eternity to decide before he can willingly break Renjun's heart all over again.

He heaves a sigh at his thoughts, unfolding the letter and lets his hand brush against the paper to smoothen out the creases carefully. Once he's done, he lets his head rest against the sand, eyes flickering up to the stars he loves endlessly before his gaze falls on the words.

He never knew that Jaemin, even after all the hurt and pain he went through, can make him breathless all over again.

_Dear Renjun,_

_I feel like I don't have the right to call you Injun anymore. Or Jun. Or Junnie. God, I don't even have the right to call you as my little star anymore — I was the one who mercilessly extinguished the flame burning so, so brightly within you._

_It's my fault. All my fault._

_I'm so sorry._

_I know I don't have the right to say this to you either but... I miss you. God, I miss you so much to the point that I can't breathe. When I saw you just a moment ago, your sullen expression and the sadness written all over your soul, I've never wanted to run to you so badly before. I want to take you in my arms and run away. Kiss all your worries away._

_But I'm the one who did all of that to you. I'm the one who broke you._

_I'm so sorry. I really am._

_Maybe you might see this letter one day. Maybe you might see all the other letters I wrote for you one day. I'm sorry for not having enough courage to say all of these words to you personally but truthfully, I'm scared. So, so scared that you might not love me anymore the moment you read this._

_I'm not sure if you'll ever find it yourself to forgive me for breaking your precious heart but I won't hold it against you if you end up hating me. But please remember that I love you. I always will._

_I can be your home, Renjun. You can always come back home to me whenever you want._

~~_Please come back home to me._ ~~

_\- Jaemin_.

 _What an idiot,_ Renjun hastily wipes away his tears, cheeks stained from all the crying he did a moment ago, before he stands wobbly and uncertainly on his feet, _what a fucking idiot._

He dusts off the sand from his clothes before he slings the strap of his backpack, feet already moving in a direction that he knows so well. His head spins even more as he slips the letter back in the envelope, hugging it against his chest before he runs, cheeks flushed and feet already starting to ache. He can feel the edges of the box digging against the back of his bag, pressing against his side and he's reminded of all the other love letters that Jaemin wrote for him.

All the love letters, quietly nestling in the box. A reminder of all the traces of the happiest memories of his life.

He runs even faster, his heart beating wildly against his chest.

He wants to go home.

-

Truthfully speaking, Renjun never really knew why Jaemin broke up with him. Jaemin never allowed a reason to slip by his lips when he left that night, the sound of the door clicking, the lock finally setting in is a memory that haunts Renjun every night.

He had always assumed that it's because Jaemin was falling out of love — all the loving touches have turned fleeting. All the kisses shared are just simple pecks and nothing more. All the _I love yous_ have become a habit to say.

He had always assumed that was the reason of them falling apart that night.

Jaemin never told him why and Renjun never asked him why.

But with his cheeks flushed and his feet aching from all the running, the urge to suddenly know why Jaemin broke up with him is exploding in his chest. His heart is already begging for an explanation so it can rest peacefully after suffering for so long.

He hesitates in front of the wooden door — his hand reaching out mid-way, ready to knock before he stops, swallowing the lump that formed in throat. Is he ready to do this? Ready to face the boy who's the cause of all the pain running through his veins every time he breathes?

He's tempted to leave, honestly but his heart is exhausted of laying awake at night, counting all the reasons why Jaemin would fall out of love with him until they've started to etch themselves even in his sweetest dreams. He braves himself to finally knock a few times, asking the stars to grant this wish. Just one last wish.

There's a soft, muffled voice coming from inside and the sound of feet padding against the floor before the door gently swings open. He's breathless when Jaemin comes into view, pink strands falling over his sparkly eyes. He's beautiful, so achingly beautiful that Renjun can't find it in himself to actually accept the fact that there's someone like him that exists in this universe.

"Injun?" Renjun badly wants to cry — it's been so long. It's been so, _so_ long since he last heard his name escape Jaemin's lips, the syllables coming out like it's the sweetest melody ever created.

"Jaemin," His voice breaks as he reaches out, hands clutching Jaemin's shirt in his hold before the tears gently lay on his lashes, falling down his cheeks every time he blinks.

"Jaemin." He repeats and suddenly, he finds himself crying against his shirt, arms thrown around the taller boy. His face is buried on his chest, muffling his sobs as he lets himself indulge in the feeling of Jaemin's body pressed against his.

He missed him. God, he missed him _so_ much.

Jaemin's hands are still at his sides, fingers twitching before they carefully brush through Renjun's brown hair, leaving a gentle kiss on his forehead. The gesture is awfully sweet and it sparks an explosion of emotions deep within Renjun's chest as he snuggles closer. Jaemin's arms soon find themselves circling around Renjun's tinier figure, pulling him flushed against his body and there's something that feels entirely at home between them.

"I missed you," Jaemin mumbles, voice on the verge of breaking as well as he hugs Renjun's head against his shoulder, kissing the side of his head in such an affectionate manner, "I missed you so, so much."

"I missed you too," Renjun whispers, pulling away to cup Jaemin's cheeks to wipe away the tears that fell from his eyes, kissing the tip of his nose with a small smile.

"I always did and I always will."

-

It's been so long.

Renjun rests his head against Jaemin's chest, his own heart falling in sync with the steady and calming rhythm of Jaemin's heart — a quiet _thump, thump, thump_ that makes the corners of his lips curl upwards in a smile.

It's been _too_ long.

"Did you read them?" Jaemin's soft and gentle voice breaks the peaceful silence between them, his fingers slowly sifting through Renjun's hair, the strands curling around them. Even when he didn't mention them, Renjun knows all too well what he's talking about.

"Yes," His cheeks are flushed as his gaze flickers up, staring right back at Jaemin's dark orbs. If he's being honest, Jaemin appears more exhausted than before — the usual spark in his eyes has faded into nothingness. Not even the remains of stardust reside in the dark specks of his eyes.

But still, he manages to muster up a genuine, beautiful smile that steals Renjun's breath away from his lungs. Even when he's broken, he's tragically beautiful — his features quietly illuminated by the moonlight slipping through the curtains.

"You hate me, don't you?" Renjun finds himself chuckling, curving the corners of his mouth into a familiar smile as he presses his cheek on Jaemin's shoulder instead, arms winded around the pink-haired boy's waist. He feels familiar, comforting — he feels like home.

"Idiot," He breathes out, laughter threatening to leave his mouth effortlessly as he shakes his head, "If I hated you, do you think I'll be running here late at night?"

Jaemin doesn't respond at his words but even when Renjun can't steal a glance at him, he knows the other boy is smiling. The thought of Jaemin finally curling his lips to form such a sincere, elated smile makes his heart leap right out of the confines of his chest. He yearns to see that curve on his mouth for the rest of eternity — it's just so breathtakingly beautiful.

"Why?" The word draws out fast from his lips, the sound of it stays still in the air, stretching between them. Jaemin stays frozen in his hold that Renjun has to squeeze him, hands curling around the back of his shirt just to make sure that this isn't a dream. The silence hangs heavy between them and Renjun almost wanted to take it back and just drift off into dreamland.

Almost.

"I thought," Jaemin stops, voice dropping in such a broken whisper that Renjun's heart starts breaking once more, "I wasn't in love with you anymore."

 _Oh,_ Renjun swallows thickly, the tears on the verge of falling from his lashes, _I was right._

"We were falling apart. We were both busy and I... was losing interest." Renjun should have expected it — that reason is engraved at the back of his mind, always burning relentlessly. Anxiety always gnawed at his chest every time he lets his eyes flutter shut, his head coming up with so many possibilities why Jaemin would break up with him. That reason stays with him every night, a quiet reminder that Jaemin doesn't love him.

But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore.

His teeth sinks down on his bottom lip, biting back the sob that's begging to fall from his lips, burying all his emotions deep within the spaces of his ribs. He can't cry. Not yet.

Jaemin halts for a moment, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat before he elicits a soft, shaky sigh. His heart is aching just as bad right now but he needs to push through with this.

"So, I broke up with you. I thought it would be better for us. I didn't want to give you false hope that I'm still madly in love with you." Jaemin continues speaking, his fingers stilling for a moment before his hand drops to Renjun's side instead.

"But when I saw you again that day, a week after we broke up, I just... became broken all over again," Renjun feels his breath taken away when Jaemin pulls him closer, as if he's desperate to feel the older boy against his body, "I missed you so, so much. I wanted to beg you to take me back but I caused too much pain for you already. You deserve so much better, Injun."

Renjun can't help but emit a soft whimper at his words. He never knew. He never knew that the reason why Jaemin hesitated to leave for a moment and held him so impossibly tight that day is because he wanted to stay. He wanted to stay just as much as Renjun wanted him to.

"I'm sorry for making you cry." Jaemin breaks the embrace, the pad of his finger gently brushing against the curve of Renjun's cheek to wipe away the stray tears that fell silently from his eyes. His lips curl downwards into a worried frown, his dark orbs filled with so much sadness.

"I keep making you cry, god. I'm really sorry." Renjun, despite all the heaviness that's slipping through his veins smoothly, bursts into a soft laughter, wiping away the tears instead that continue to fall from his eyes. He shakes his head before he reaches up, hands cupping the pink-haired boy's cheeks in such a delicate manner, leaning in to press a kiss on the corner of his lips.

Just a gentle and light brush of his lips against Jaemin's, enough to make their hearts flutter once again.

Enough to give hope to their already broken hearts.

"It's okay," Renjun breathes out after a long beat of silence, finally allowing a smile to tug on the edges of his mouth as he pulls Jaemin in for another breathtaking kiss, "As long as you'll stay with me, I'll be okay."

Jaemin doesn't reply — he only snuggles closer, an arm wrapped comfortably around Renjun's figure as he responds to the kiss slowly. With a hand down the smaller boy's back, he heaves another sigh before he smiles against his lips, chest bursting with so many emotions.

Renjun can't help but feel his heart skip a beat.

He's finally home again.

-

The sunlight peeks through the blinds, illuminating the room in a soft, hazy kind of glow. Renjun presses the side of his face against the sheets, feeling all too comfortable wrapped around them as he tries to sink back into dreamland. His chest feels light, incredibly light after so many months of feeling a strange sadness residing within the spaces of his ribs.

"Hey," A warm hand cups his cheek and Renjun is quick to recognize the familiar touch, a sleepy smile curving on his lips, "I need to head to class soon. I made you breakfast so just eat up once you decide to get up."

"Don't go." Renjun mumbles, voice muffled against the sheets and Jaemin emits a low laugh, his fingers briefly brushing through the older boy's brown hair.

"I'll be home as soon as possible, okay? You can stay here if you want," Jaemin pauses for a moment before he continues to sift his fingers through Renjun's strands, "You don't have any classes today, right?"

Renjun shakes his head slowly, head spinning as he drifts in and out of dreamland. His hand reaches out to circle his fingers around Jaemin's wrist, snuggling close to feel any sort of warmth radiating off from the younger boy.

"I'll come back home, I promise." Renjun lets one eye flutter open, staring up at the pink-haired boy before he finally nods his head, surrendering completely. Jaemin leans down to drop a kiss on his forehead affectionately before he tugs away hesitantly, slinging the strap of his backpack over his shoulder. He throws one last look at the boy sleeping on his bed and he finds himself smiling widely, a little breathless over how Renjun is actually here with him again.

There's the sound of his footsteps softly padding against the floor before he turns the silver knob, pulling the door open and stepping out quietly. When the sound of the door gently closing and the lock settling in echoes in the room, Renjun doesn't feel any heaviness in his chest for the first time in six months.

It feels different now — different like his chest will explode because he feels so, _so_ elated.

When he raises his head, his eyes finally fluttering open as his gaze focuses on the nightstand, a smile unknowingly curves on his lips. An envelope lays unopened on the wooden desk, catching his attention almost immediately the moment his eyes landed on it. He rises from the bed, scooting over until his hand grazes along the envelope before he holds it against his chest.

He can feel his hand brushing against the newly inked letters written at the back as he holds it up, squinting a little as he reads the words and numbers strung together.

 _Huang Renjun._  
_November 14, 2018._

He steals a glance at his phone, opening it and the screen lights up immediately, showing the exact same date written on the envelope. He drops his phone at his side before he eagerly rips the envelope, gently drawing out the folded letter inside. The paper looks tinier compared to the usual but still, Renjun's heart leaps out of his chest just the same.

He shakily opens the letter, smoothening out the creases as if out of habit already before he allows his eyes to flicker from word to word. Even with so little words, his heart beats wildly against his chest, his heartbeat echoing Jaemin's name over and over again.

Renjun doesn't mind it at all.

_Dear Injun,_

_Thank you for coming home to me. I love you so much, my star._

_Yours and forever,_  
_Jaemin._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to talk to me in [twitter.](http://twitter.com/jenosaints)


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